Monday, November 3, 2008

tomorrow

it's his birthday --- the man i am married with --- and i can't sleep trying to figure out where to spend the whole day with my youngest daughter... the better of which to let him alone and not ruin his day...

looking back, i was a happy bride, giggling, so full of hope, so in love. by the time i discovered i failed as a wife, it was too late... there's no divorce in this country.

and then, the kids came --- all three even as we were on the verge of suffocating each other.

now, even if I could totally support my children on my own for more than 3 years now, I suffered in silence as he debase me with words that spell "failure" nevermind the "wife"... each time he gets drunk.

and i can only wish --- wish he'd believe when I answer him each time he asks if I still love him... that I don't. That the love of long ago has died several thousand times, and that I was just trying to be a mother for several years now...

and i dread tomorrow. where will we go (with the daughter whom he often disown but claim he loves to glorify himself)??? and if we won't be there, will he get the real message?

we'd probably sleep in a hotel... come what may... because long ago, I have accepted my failure... long ago, I stopped being a wife, and became a whore to him whom i was married

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Connectivity

Panic immediately enveloped me as I feigned minimal concern upon hearing my husband's "Will you bring me your mom's phone?" request to my eldest.

"I think you still have a load," I said from the kitchen veiling red-alert, wishing I was right as I went to the bedroom and secure my mobile phone. The last message received from a Yahoo Messenger ID number reads, "You know I do understand... do your best for your family... I hope everything goes well and (may you) find the peace you are looking for... I will always love you... take care."

Tears gather once again as I read the message repeatedly. I already nearly drowned in my own tears and colds last night as I cried in silence. It was a response to a message I sent earlier: I much would like to be with you, but he cried a lot, and he has been doing his best... I might love you already, but he is the one I am with..."

It took me 3 days before I finally mustered a sensible message to end this online affair I had ...

It was a July afternoon last year when I got the greeting, "Hi from Greece!" pop up in message counter of the chat site. It was a rebellious decision to waste my time online instead of going home to sulk and drown myself in sorrow knowing full well it was quite impossible to escape the miserable situation I was in --- ten years of neglect in a marriage I thought was made with Hollywood happy-endings.

He did not come in strong nor attractive. But two things caught my fancy: he is from one of the world's oldest civilization (and I was on the opposite side of it all), and he's a doctor. I was ready to give up that chat could save me after a couple of disappointing days on the site. I assumed he might have a little sense.

I asked him about MRSA to check on his professional claim. He was quite sarcastic about his reply. "It's all over hospitals." He always had coffee (it was 10 AM in Athens, and it was 4 pm, near closing hours, in my location) while I wrap up the day's work in the following days that he greeted me with that standard "Baby?"

It wasn't anything he said nor promised because he never did. It was the way I felt each time I read the word "baby". I felt cuddled and safe, as if I could re-charge all the sleepless nights I had crying, worrying. I felt peace. When he disappeared in September, I was thrown in the same limbo I was once before... until I got another chat message one afternoon of December.

He said he met a girl and had a car accident. That he was still dating the girl but he can't keep me out of his mind.

I was an ordinary, mother and wife, aged down by a weary, lop-sided marriage. But with him, I felt years younger to do silly things as tease or flirt and giggle a lot, in front of the web cam. He brought down my guards as a catholic-school bred grown up woman.

I soon discovered more about him, even his lies, which include being married and having a 2-year old son. But I never felt any tinge of remorse or regret. Only when our chat is suddenly cut: it could be his wife checking, or a poor internet subscription service. Rare though they may, I always looked forward to it because we never set a schedule. He became my couch doctor, sometimes, even my own GP as I never had a real GP prescribing OTCs for whatever ailment I complain about. (And he knows I avoid doctors like a plague).

My husband had been suspicious but he had a wrong timing because he started questioning me just as I was trying to fill-in the void in those months the Greek doctor disappeared with senseless chat mates, of which only one remained, and we decided he's a younger brother and I was an elder sister.

Nevertheless, when Doc returned, his suspicions became more pronounced. But husband knew it was just "online". Chat. It was hardly harmful.

It was. Except on my part. Because I have grown to like the doctor from Athens more than I should. And I emailed my husband about it because I could hardly keep a secret as profound as what I already felt. My husband cried so many nights, drunk and probing, although he knew it was his own fault, as I listened, maintaining silence and leaving all his questions un-answered.

The days that followed, my husband have started behaving better and better. And that was when I started to consider about ending my online affair. It was a very difficult decision, not to sneak out our bedroom at night when he sends a message to let me know he's online and would want to chat. He even announced his wife and child was on vacation and was excited about having to "enjoy the sound of silence."

I had been torn for more than a year. But I had to make the right decision, even if it had to break my heart (but then, it could not kill, yeah). I'd keep the message on the mobile phone even if my husband will discover it. He'll then have an idea why I fell for the guy, the guy who gave me peace in the peak of my rebellion. I know he has already forgiven me.